Fundraising Auction

I had a contractor come out to the house on Friday, and he worked up a plan for fixing my bedroom ceiling. To raise money for this project, I’m auctioning off all of the weird stuff I’ve found during demolition and basement cleanup. Bid confidently, my friends, knowing that you can own an authentic piece of Crap from Lauren’s House.

First up, one brick. Decent condition. Surprisingly red. Very much affected by the law of gravity.

Next, this pretty little lady who was found in a closet wall:

She has a personalized inscription on the back and was probably a gift from a high school friend of the woman who lived in the house before me. I guess I shouldn’t accept bids on this one. I’ll probably try to return it to her.

But this! This is worth bidding on!

C’mon, I know someone out there still has a carburetor. And couldn’t we all use a little brushing up on our grille identification skills?

Personally, I won’t date a man who can’t tell the difference between a ’67 Comet and a ’66 Fairlane.

And now we come to the weirdest, most disturbing Piece of Crap:

When I first saw this, I thought “Oh cool, vintage frame to steal.” Then I saw “hair lip.” And now I just don’t know what to think.

This is a reprinting of one of Benjamin Franklin’s records of patients admitted to the Pennsylvania Hospital in the 1750s. Which certainly sounds cool, but do you really want to walk past this thing in your hallway every day and ponder 18th century treatments for ulcers? (Maybe you do. If so, bid!)

Also, does that say “Palsy of the Bladder?” And prolapse of the — oh God, never mind. If I write the full phrase out, my blog will get traffic for all the wrong reasons.

Their cancer cure rate was quite remarkable, though.

So leave a comment and tell me what it’s all worth to you, readers! Construction starts on Monday.